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A mum travelling to meet her son
Copyright - Included on
this website with the permission of the author.
I travelled alone when I went to meet my son - my husband stayed home with our other two kids. I don't know if I'd do the same again.
The basic logistics I hadn't considered (how completely silly, having two kids already???) for example, like, how do you go to the toilet/shower when it is on a different floor to your room or get the water from 3 flights down to sterilise for bottles (when you can't carry a baby and water together) when you have no one to stay with your baby whilst you are away???? Fortunately, despite my lack of forethought, many people helped me and held my son for me when I needed - I made lots of new friends that way especially with the domestic staff. But, next time, instead of a stranger or some poor other new parent who didn't really need an additional child for 5 minutes, I'd rather it was my husband that I leave my baby in the care of when I go for a shower.
Part of my time was spent at a guest house with another mum on her own so we helped each other for that stretch. Also, I spent a few very loooong nights with a very sick little baby and that was a nightmare on my own - I spent a fair bit of that in tears and would have loved the support of my husband then. Not forgetting the important point - that he missed out on those first few weeks with his son, and he missed the amazing experience of getting to know Ethiopia and some people who are now so significant in my life as a result of meeting them there. I think we both regret that.
The 24 hour plane trip home bought the same problems - I was terrified I'd fall asleep and drop him before I could get a bassinette, or someone would steal him (just a little paranoid) whilst I slept and he was in the bassinette, or I'd have to ask an air hostess or a fellow traveller, who had their own new baby they wanted to cluck over, to hold my son whilst I went to the bathroom on the plane. Not to mention the bags and bottles plus baby to lug around on the stops. The flight into Perth and then trying to get from international airport to domestic for a flight to Adelaide was a disaster, with vomiting pooing baby, 5 bags falling apart (thanks customs) no arms, no trolley, no help (it was supposedly arranged but didn't eventuate) and not enough time to get to the next terminal! Very stressful - and smelly for those sitting in the next seat. In Ethiopia itself, everyone was so helpful, it wasn't nearly so hard.
So next time, we are definitely all going. But I don't think we really could have done it differently that time and you do what you have to when considering the needs of all your children. It was lovely for me to have my new son all to myself for a couple of weeks rather than trying to bond and attend to him specifically, with the older kids feeling insecure in a new country or perhaps being sick and so needing more of me.
Things people say
Copyright - Included on this website with the
permission of the author.
Speaking of rude and thoughtless things
that people sometimes say.
I have a Korean born, an Ethiopian born and a biological child. There was a new mum at my kids' school who asked about the number of fathers there are for my children. She did actually become a good friend! Some people are just more out there in asking questions.
Another different comment I had was when my Korean born son was a toddler and we were visiting Neutral Bay (Sydney), an older lady asked if I was a nanny!
We get a lot of comments about our children of "aren't they lucky", which, we just say "no, we're the lucky ones". We don't think it's worth getting too upset about.
But generally we don't get too many comments as we live in an area with lots of other inter-country adoption families and the kids' school is very multicultural.
A family's Adoption Story
Copyright - Included on this website with the permission of the author.
Please note that both sons
in this story are simply referred to as 'our son', with no distinction made by
using words like 'Ethiopian/Australian son' or 'Adopted/Biological
son' - the Editor apologises if this causes confusion.
I've noticed over the last couple of weeks our son has been sleeping the whole night. There are fewer nights that you find him between us when we wake up in the morning; I figure this is a good indication that he feels more a part of our family.
Our family
consists of mum, dad, Australian born 13 year old daughter, 10 year old son and
Ethiopian born 2 1/2 year old son.
Our son has
been with us for a year in June. It's amazing to think that he was a different
person 12 months ago, living in an orphanage with 180 other kids. I still
remember my visit to the Orphanage - 50 children in a room and not one child
crying, quite a sight.
I've
been trying to think of what to write, so I'm just going to write about our
experiences with our son and the observations and feeling we have had over the
last 12 months.
It is more emotional watching the
videos of other couples collecting their children, such as 'Australian
Story'. When we collected our son it was all very surreal, you knew it all
looked very familiar, the people, Lakew, the streets of Addis Ababa, but you
also need to take the whole experience in. Emotionally I felt very
anxious, this was four years of paperwork, home visits, travel to education
groups, emails, fees, more fees and fees finally coming to an end (or a
beginning)!
Thoughts in my head on the way to the orphanage were - 'am I too old?' nappies again, are we doing the right thing for this little boy? I hope we can handle everything, will we have any problems? I hope Lakew doesn't hit that donkey on the road!
The elevator door opened, a very beautiful and dark African woman came out, and said "[he] has thrown up on himself, we are changing him and he will be down in a couple of minutes". Your heart sits in your throat while you wait in the waiting room listening to Lakew, even though now I couldn't tell you a thing he said.
Our son arrives with Sister Nora (his carer), he is dressed in a purple shirt, green pants and sun hat, he looks nothing like the photo we received originally. He cries for about 10 seconds when he is handed to my wife. Sister Nora and Sister Carmella keep telling our son "this is your Mama Ye, Mama Ye". Our son stops crying and then snuggles into my wife, my heart sinks, and you can't help but get watery eyes. It is very strange, this person they ahve given to you will soon be living in your home, calling you Mum and Dad, and eventually driving you crazy during their teenage life - I was looking forward to it.
I was the official video person, I
am a professional photographer and usually when there is ever any kind of photo
to be taken, still or video, I usually hear "get [dad] to take it, he knows what
he's doing". Sometimes you are so involved in trying to catch the moment
to watch later, you actually miss the moment when it happens. I filmed the
whole time, I didn't look through the camera, I held the camera up and hoped for
the best - it came up ok. Our son watches it every week, it definitely
helps him with his understanding of where he is from and his connection with
us.
When we took our son back to the Hilton we sat him on the bed, turned the TV on and my wife and I just sat and stared at him. He didn't respond, I mean, there was absolutely nothing at all, I had never seen a kid that didn't respond to '... a boo' or at least respond to a smile or a coochee coo. You can't help but think "have we done the right thing?" We got the very first photo out that we were emailed when our son was allocated to us, you know the one you enlarge, carry with you every place you go and show every person you come in contact with. We just wanted to make sure they gave us the right child, remember he did look completely different to his photo. We held it to his face, and we both studied it hard, yes the same eyes, mouth, nose. It was definitely him.
It was interesting to watch a child look and observe things for the very first time. My wife spoke on the phone - he didn't understand what she was doing, I place sugar in my coffee - he couldn't take his eyes off of me, he felt rain on his head for the very first time, he couldn't take his eyes off Nickelodeon's cartoons for a second - actually our 10 year old son can't keep his eyes of those cartoons for a second! I was looking forward to the first smile and the reaction to a smile from us. We didn't have to wait too long, it happened the next morning and yes I got it on video (hey I'm supposed to be professional right).
Every day you
know the choice you made is the right choice. I felt like the first
feelings for our son were mixed a lot with empathy, slowly this empathy changes
to actual attachment and love. You know that while you're getting to know
this person and trying to understand their history and their strange feelings
and emotions, you are forming an unconditional attachment and bond.
Every day he
changes, every day he looks different, and every day you know the bond is
growing.
Comments and support from our family
and friends and local community has been wonderful. Our son has become quite the
celebrity; his afro is definitely doing it for him. When we first came
home we were greeted with many watery eyed people, family, friends and even
people in the street. One lady stopped my wife and son in the street and
said, "My daughter told me to go out of the house this morning and warm my
heart, seeing you and your son has given me the best feeling I have had for a
very long time, thank you".
You know what I like the most, it's when we hear our three kids playing in the lounge together, laughs, giggles, screams.
Our son woke a lot in the night, we
could hear him running and screaming from his room to our room, sometimes we
took him back to his room, other times we picked him up and placed him between
us both. Now he wakes, there is no more screaming, he does sill run from
his room calling, "mum, dad", he then jumps on to our bed, dives under the doona
and snuggles in to us both, there is no way you are going to take him back to
his room. Eventually he will be too big to do this and you try and soak up
as much of that moment as you can. This is when you know that you have
done the right thing - and no I haven't photographed this, I'm just enjoying the
moment.
Attachment fears and reality
Copyright - Included on this website with the permission of the author.
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When I first considered adoption I was very concerned about attachment I was very anxious and the main thought in my head at the time was - would my child and I bond like a birth-child would bond with his/her parents?
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My sister started telling me of her experiences of having her children.
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She explained that it was 6 months after she gave birth to her first child before she formed an attachment with her child.
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Sitting watching her play with her children now, nearly 4 years later, anyone can see that she has a loving, balanced and beautiful relationship with both her children; no one could guess at the anxiety she fought with in that first 6 months.
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Talking with my sister, she would not describe her issues of attachment to have been anything to do with her pregnancy, her support from family and friends or her husband, or the actual birth experience of her child. The issues came from her own expectations of what life would be like with her child. And, also, how strongly the individual personality came through of this new-born baby.
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We know of another family with birth-children, where there is a strong connection with the first child and no emotional connection of either parent to the second child. These children are nearly school-age, and no attachment has formed between the younger child and either of her parents. In this instance, the difficulty in forming an attachment is quite probably directly related to the difficulties of the birth of the child.
After considering these experiences - I decided not to worry about the myth that there's an automatic bonding between a birthchild and his or her parents, nor the myth that a bond between a mother and a child can only come from the experience of the child growing inside the mother. The best action, I decided was to learn more about attachment and bonding, speak to other parents, read books, attend lectures and try to be as informed as I could be.
Websites
An on-line journal
- An on-line journal of a mum whose daughter was adopted from China. She talks about the challenges of being a single parent. Website.
A birth-mother's experiences
- The experiences of a birth-mother... website.
Experiences of adopted children
- Experiences of Asian children adopted into American, Australian and European families... website.
Ethiopian poet, Lemn Sissay
- The experiences of Ethiopian poet, playwrite and author, Lemn Sissay who grew up in a white family in England... website.
An Ethiopian in Australia
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Follow the link below to see a profile of the veteran expatriate and to listen to the interview.
